shhhhhhh!

There are so many people in our world who simply love to talk.  They love to talk because they have something great to say, because they feel weird if there's no noise, or because they just love the sound of their own voices.  It really doesn't matter why - as Americans we do way too much talking and not nearly enough listening. 

Perhaps as a child you were told that you have two ears and only one mouth so you should listen twice as much as you talk.  I believe that this is great advice!  There's nothing like listening.  But the problem is we don't know how to listen.  We are internally wired for talking. We have the tendancy to believe that our words, thoughts, and experiences are equal to or more important than the things other people are telling us. 

Now please don't get me wrong.  I need a lot of practice in the area of listening.  I am definitely telling this message to myself.  I've taken classes and read books on the subject of active listening.  The idea is pretty simple but the application is a bit more difficult if you're as driven as I am.

The biggest thing with active listening is you are to listen without trying to solve the other person's problem or issue.  It's not up to you to give advice or compare their troubles to your past experience.  Active listening means that when someone else is talking you are paying complete and total attention to what they are saying.  You don't need to craft a perfectly formed answer while they are talking.  Here are a few tips for listening well:

• be quiet - I know it sounds simple but just shut up for a bit and you might learn something.  
• questions - if you have to talk, and most of us do, the best thing to do is ask a question to clarify and make sure we really get what they are saying.  
• summarize - when it's all said and done repeat what you've heard in your own words.  This allows the other person to hear their own words making them sink in a bit.  
• focus - when someone is talking do your very best to pay attention to them.  Forget about dinner, work, the kids, the shiny object that just floated by, and focus on the person and what they're saying to you. 

In the end these tips won't make you an excellent listener, but applying these principles will help you get a better hold on what issues people are dealing with. One of my favorite quotes that I heard at a conference last year said nothing good happens when people are confused.  When you don't listen, you're confused and don't even know it.  And guaranteed bad things will happen when you don't have the whole story.